his is a post which Gina wrote which I failed to publish earlier this week. It was written the same day that I wrote "Everybody wants to go to Heaven." You can see through these words what the mood was that day. One response (from Superjenn Smith) to my blog involved the song Gina mentions in her blog. We were sitting at our little table here and this particular song came to our minds, also, prior the post that day. So I would say it is a fitting representation of the situation. Will try to make it available online..... cg


Mission Impossible???

December 31, 2007

To those of you who have been waiting to hear from me, I apologize..... mothering is a time consuming task, and I am not the gifted writer like my husband. I warn you before you read this, it is not going to be pretty. As a matter of fact, it will probably be quite messy. For me, trying to communicate all of what is floating around in my head might look like a bomb exploded words onto the screen. So, for those of you who are brave enough to follow... here we go.

God has been teaching me so many things on this journey. Mostly about myself and my inability to love. It's funny, I always thought I was pretty good at loving and being kind to others, but God is showing me my inability to TRULY love. Unless I rely on Him and His love to flow through me, I can end up causing more harm than good. It is easy to love those who love you back, and extremely difficult to love those who don't know how to love, and Dasha has not been taught how to love. The people that were suppose to love her have made some terrible life choices that landed her in the orphanage. But you see, Dasha is not the only one that has a love problem. I too am incapable. I must be taught by my Heavenly Father in the same way Dasha must be taught by us. God is putting me in a position to identify with Him and the suffering I cause Him when I reject and refuse to obey Him. We have a great task ahead of us that seems nearly impossible.

Orphanage life is a terrible situation. In a sense, we will have to deprogram everything Dasha has come to know and become dependent on. Then we have to reprogram her to our family life. This is exactly what God has to do with us if we want to be obedient to Him. She has to be taught how to use a washcloth because they don't have them at the orphanage. She has to be taught how to stay with us in a mall and not to walk away from us without permission. Can you imagine trying to find a lost child in a country where you don't even speak the language? She is a 3 yr. old trapped in a 13 yr old body. In a sense Chris and I have become "the bad guys" (in her mind). We tell her when to take a shower, because we care that "stink" has jumped on her. We tell her to stay with us, because we love her and don't want to loose her. We tell her she needs to change the channel on t.v. because what she is watching is filling her mind with negative things. No one has cared enough to teach her these things at the orphanage. All she knows are the things that are comfortable to her, and she misses the comfort (if you want to call it that) of the orphanage. She weeps and sobs because she misses it so much. She doesn't want to leave. She wants to go back to where she was. There is a song by Sara Groves that I connected with many years ago because of where God had me in life. It has continued to connect with my spirit because I am always on journey with Him. God reminded me of this song when I thought about Dasha and the place that she is in life. I think it describes her situation very well:

I don't want to leave here, I don't want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most are the places where I've been
They are calling out to me like a long lost friend

It's not about loosing faith, it's not about trust
It's all about comfortable when you move so much
The place I was wasn't perfect, but I had found a way to live
It wasn't milk or honey, but then neither is this

The past is so tangible, I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the promise and the things I know

Chorus
I've been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacks
The future feels so hard and I want to go back
But the places that use to fit me can not hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned

If it comes too quick, I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand
If if comes too quick, I may not recognize it
It that the reason behind all this time and sand


So, we have been called as a family to journey with her, to teach and guide her through the dessert of life, because God wants her to reach the promise land (and I don't mean the good ol'
USA) No, I'm talking about a place that surpasses our country. This mission is difficult, complicated, and even risky at times; but God has assigned it to us. We will be obedient and trust
that He will provide and see us through this life long mission.

Gina